Monday, July 6, 2009

Urges to Urinate

But I don't feel like neglecting this urge to write.

I haven't been in school for over 2 years, and this morning was my first class since. It felt refreshing. It felt unbelievably scary. I kept worrying about what everyone was thinking of me. I'm glad I decided to take a shower beforehand.

The professor is pretty young. He seems real nice, but he gives off a creep vibe. I couldn't help but imagine him jerking off to nasty, fetish porn in a dark room with the monitor's glow reflecting off of his glasses. Then maybe after he was done, he'd turn on some classical music and make himself some spaghetti. Actually, I feel bad about saying that. He does seem real nice, and he doesn't deserve my little prejudice scenarios.

I've been at the campus since my class was over at 11:55am. It's 3:36pm now. I enjoy taking my time. To be honest, it took me so damned long to study because I have issues with turning word problems into formulas or expressions. Whatever. Before I sat down to study, I needed to go to the bathroom and rid my body of the explosive waste that was churning inside me. No way can someone concentrate with that going on. I can't even concentrate when by myself, listening to instrumental music, and totally content.

I'm sure Noe's family is going to start shitting bricks soon since I'm not back at the house yet. I'm missing out on so much, yes: Being constantly confronted that they're poor. I say "they" because although I don't have enough to pay THEIR bills, I can still manage to keep up with my own.

Well, back to the Guzman abode. I need a job.

Monday, June 8, 2009

A Bunch of Mumbo Jumbo

This entry will make NO SENSE.


* Tell Noe about "The Chills" by Peter Bjorn and John. Quite a lovely song.

* Tonight, I took pictures of myself in my underwear that I wish I could share with the world, but that'd be terrible. It was a nice moment for me. I had The Doors playing in the background, and I'm buzzed.

* I find myself obsessing over other people's lives and not spending enough time trying to mend my own.

* I LOVE MY NEW HAIRCUT. Like no other, really.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

End of my Rope

My whole life and being right now seems to be at a complete stand-still. In any situation that I imagine myself in, I can't imagine being happy. I'm afraid I have to risk my being happy for things that need to be done. Like school. I'll be starting school this summer, but I'm not happy here in Tucson. I don't enjoy living with my boyfriend's parents. It's all literally driving me crazy. Every night, I want to drink so I can feel a bit better about everything.

Bottom line is that I just want to be around people who LOVE ME. For example: my parents. But they're out of jobs now, and they could be kicked out of their house any second now. I don't want to live with them if we're going to have to pack up and move again. It's exhausting to not have a solid home to go to. All of these kids that are my age have that. I can't think of anyone who doesn't. It's a depressing thing though - to know that you can't go home and just relax and feel good that you're home. I have no home anymore.

My brothers and my sister don't want me around. They love me, but they have their own lives. Period.

I'm tired of it all. I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope. Sometimes suicide comes into my head, but I know that I don't want to die. Any way that I imagine dying, whether it's pills, gun to the head, slit wrists, suffocation.. it makes me sad. I know that would break my parents' hearts to hear about their daughter committing suicide in Arizona. I don't want to do that to them. I have to keep fighting through everything for them.

I miss the way things used to be for me. I miss high school, and I miss all of my friends. I miss getting drunk and stoned silly with old friends in shitty Cumming, GA. I miss driving late at night and feeling like I could fly. Yes - there were times I drove while simultaneously stoned and drunk. It'd be really late at night, so I'd go crazy on the roads. It seems like God must've been watching out for me so I wouldn't get in a crash. I even drove on the freeway in Atlanta while fucked up out of my mind. I don't remember which interstate it was. 75 or 85. I was trying to find my way to a Deftones concert. Then afterwards, I drove back to Cumming around 2am. Stayed at a friend's house and woke up at 7am to go back to my parents'. They didn't mind I was back the next morning. I really couldn't have asked for better parents. They let me enjoy my teenage years. It's a miracle I didn't get a ticket or get into an accident. I really do thank God every day for it.

But now, I'm stuck. I'm depressed all the time. I want something more to this life.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Looking For A Sound

I'm looking for a sound that I can't seem to really find. It has a gloomy feel to it, but also makes you want to dance. I'm thinking Joy Division, but not even Ian Curtis can fulfill my ideal sound.

I'm also moving to Tucson with my boyfriend in 2 weeks. I'm sad to leave the Phoenix area. I'm sure I'll be back at times, but after being here for almost 2 years - it has grown on me. I was just starting to know my way around. And since turning 21, I was beginning to form the ability of naming favorite bars to hang out at. It's going to be swept out from under me soon though, then it's back to the strange. I don't really know what my problem is. Give me a chance to become attached to a place, and all of a sudden I won't want to leave. Though, nothing can be as tough as it was leaving Georgia, my home, my friends, and my family.

This isn't to say that I'm not excited about Tucson. I'm excited! I really am. Some people find it to be a complete bummer that we'll be living with my boyfriend's parents, but I'm kind of looking forward to it. Maybe it'll be the motivation for me to not be so lazy and messy. I'll be going back to school for the first time in 2 years, and I'll be working at the same time. My life will be busy, and maybe it is exactly the kick-in-the-ass I deserve and need. I'll be with Noe. He'll be working a decent job. Things should go well. I hope they do.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Young & Alive

I had the most amazing time at this bar on Saturday night. It had a dark, gothy feel to it & it was loaded with young people. I started drinking pretty much immediately when I got there. Two Long Islands, and a can of PBR. I was feeling good by the time midnight rolled around.

My boyfriend, my roommate, and I sat in this huge booth. It was so comfortable! I was facing the stage so I could see everyone dancing. It was fun watching them until 4 of my favorite songs came on. I wanted to go dance SO BADLY, but I didn't want to look like an utter fool. First song, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" (The Smiths) came on - and when I heard it, I automatically felt like I was in the 80s. This feeling of pure happiness came over me for some reason. It was probably the alcohol. Just when I thought how amazing it was they played that, then "Hong Kong Garden" (Siouxsie & the Banshees) came on!!! See, I've always wanted to dance to that song in a club or somewhere. I really enjoyed the scene in Marie Antoinette when everyone was dancing to that song. I was hooked. But like I said before, I didn't go dance because I didn't want my boyfriend to be embarassed of me. Plus I didn't want a chance of any guys trying to hit on me.

Long story short, there were plenty of songs I wanted to dance to, but I didn't. I kick myself for not doing it. Seriously. It was my chance to just be young, wild, and drunk.

A song I haven't heard in a long, long, LONG time came on too. It was "Deceptacon" by Le Tigre. My old best friend and I used to always blast it in her car when we were in high school and scream the lyrics at the top of our lungs. I recorded some of it on my phone and sent her a text saying how much I missed her.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Sleepy, Off to Work

So this is my first entry in this POS. I figured I could write in here since not a lot of people will read it. Nobody knows about it for all that matter.

For a while I've been thinking about making a music blog, but I can never find any sites to host my mp3s for free. Definitely not paying for hosting. Eh, maybe I'm pretentious for thinking that people would actually want to listen to music that I enjoy. That seems to be a common thought of everyone nowadays with MySpace profile playlists, "Currently Listening" features, iLike for Facebook. People at my job bring in their CDs and iPods to hook up over the restaurant's speakers so that they can torture me with redundant hip hop and female British pop singers who have been to rehab many a time. I'm tired of it all. Don't get me wrong, I'll bring in a CD when I'm opening up shop, but that's because I'm the only one there besides my manager who's in the back doing paperwork.

Speaking of work, I woke up around 6:00am this morning even though I only have work at 10:00am. I'm glad I woke up early, but I'm beginning to get sleepy again. I hope I don't crash while I'm at work. I was able to put more songs onto my cheap, mp3 player & begin filling out my FAFSA for the 2009-2010 school year. I feel like such a fucking bum. If I would've done well and stayed in school when I WAS in school, then I'd be graduating from college in 2010. But no. I got drunk, I got stoned, I skipped classes, & I flunked out. And here I am trying to go back to school to complete my first year in the year I SHOULD have been graduating.

I have a lot of things I need to do, but I find I can only do them at nighttime or in the wee hours of the morning when everyone's asleep, and I don't have any distractions. Nobody messaging me on MySpace, no wall posts on Facebook, nobody texting me. It's a busy world. I'm such a sucker for MySpace & Facebook. I don't know what's so addicting about it. I guess it's because you can be who you want to be on websites like that. You can tell tons of people, "Ooh, I like these cool movies. And I like these awesome bands, and I want to explain myself in my About Me as much as possible. And I want to be artsy." And they'll buy it. People that I work with, I had no idea they were the way they are until after I found them and befriended them on those god-forsaken websites. Or maybe I'm fooling myself, and we're all just as geeky as we are in person. No wit, no paint, no photoshop, no time to think about all the bands & movies you love.

All of a sudden, I feel somewhat happy about things.