Thursday, May 7, 2009

End of my Rope

My whole life and being right now seems to be at a complete stand-still. In any situation that I imagine myself in, I can't imagine being happy. I'm afraid I have to risk my being happy for things that need to be done. Like school. I'll be starting school this summer, but I'm not happy here in Tucson. I don't enjoy living with my boyfriend's parents. It's all literally driving me crazy. Every night, I want to drink so I can feel a bit better about everything.

Bottom line is that I just want to be around people who LOVE ME. For example: my parents. But they're out of jobs now, and they could be kicked out of their house any second now. I don't want to live with them if we're going to have to pack up and move again. It's exhausting to not have a solid home to go to. All of these kids that are my age have that. I can't think of anyone who doesn't. It's a depressing thing though - to know that you can't go home and just relax and feel good that you're home. I have no home anymore.

My brothers and my sister don't want me around. They love me, but they have their own lives. Period.

I'm tired of it all. I feel as though I'm at the end of my rope. Sometimes suicide comes into my head, but I know that I don't want to die. Any way that I imagine dying, whether it's pills, gun to the head, slit wrists, suffocation.. it makes me sad. I know that would break my parents' hearts to hear about their daughter committing suicide in Arizona. I don't want to do that to them. I have to keep fighting through everything for them.

I miss the way things used to be for me. I miss high school, and I miss all of my friends. I miss getting drunk and stoned silly with old friends in shitty Cumming, GA. I miss driving late at night and feeling like I could fly. Yes - there were times I drove while simultaneously stoned and drunk. It'd be really late at night, so I'd go crazy on the roads. It seems like God must've been watching out for me so I wouldn't get in a crash. I even drove on the freeway in Atlanta while fucked up out of my mind. I don't remember which interstate it was. 75 or 85. I was trying to find my way to a Deftones concert. Then afterwards, I drove back to Cumming around 2am. Stayed at a friend's house and woke up at 7am to go back to my parents'. They didn't mind I was back the next morning. I really couldn't have asked for better parents. They let me enjoy my teenage years. It's a miracle I didn't get a ticket or get into an accident. I really do thank God every day for it.

But now, I'm stuck. I'm depressed all the time. I want something more to this life.

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